Why I'm Sharing
If you've found your way to this page you're probably either curious about me as a person (unlikely, I'm not that interesting) curious about the concept of being trans/nonbinary in general (cool, I'd love to share with you) or wondering why I felt the need to write about this (most likely option I would think). Sharing this is important to me because when I was first exploring my gender it helped me to hear about the experiences other people had with gender. Also, I find it fun and helpful to my understanding of myself to write about myself. Self-insight is cool!
My Identity
For starters, I identify as nonbinary and use they/them pronouns. If you met me in real life, you probably wouldn't assume I'm trans based on my looks alone. I appear to be a pretty standard woman-shaped creature. The kind that automatically gets assigned "she/her" if I don't specify. While I hate being automatically asigned woman, I'm happy with the way I present. It feels like me! If you're unfamiliar with trans-ness you might be wondering why I bother identifying as nonbinary at all. You may never understand it, and that's okay. But the best way I can explain is that it comes from inside myself. I just know I'm not a woman. It's not that I dislike women or think being a woman is bad, it just doesn't fit me. And the fact that I wear skirts sometimes just doesn't have anything to do with any of that.
How I Figured it Out
I had never even heard of the concept of nonbinary genders until I saw people on tumblr using they/them pronouns. I think I was around 14 at this point. I came to understand what it meant pretty quickly, and spent a lot of time after that wishing I could be nonbinary. At first I thought I had never disliked being a girl, so it didn't cross my mind for a long time that I might actually be nonbinary. It took me way too long to realize the fact that I wanted to be nonbinary pretty much meant that I was. And it wasn't until I had firmly decided I was nonbinary that I realized I was, in fact, uncomfortable with being a girl. I had always had some weird dysphoric feelings, but without knowing what dysphoria was, and without knowing there was an option besides man or woman, I hadn't been able to name them.
Side note, I think the whole "you're not trans unless you have dysphoria" debate is a non-issue. Being trans isn't about pain and suffering and hating yourself. Also, I think most trans people most likely will experience dysphoria, it just looks different for everyone. Just becuase someone doesn't mind having a trait that is typically associated with the gender they were asigned at birth, doesn't mean that they aren't trans. Also, fuck you for being angry that a trans person likes themselves.
Anyways, I spent some time trying to figure out what my gender actually was before settling simply with nonbinary. I spent a bit of time with agender, but it didn't feel right as I definitely do have a gender, it just isn't easily defined by any of the available terms. And I'm cool with that. Even though "nonbinary" can be seen as pretty broad, I think it most acurately encompasses my feelings.
I Fucking Love Being Trans
As a bit of a return to my earlier aside, being trans is not all pain and suffering and hating yourself. I can acknowledge that many trans people struggle with these feelings, but I also think there's an inate beauty in being able to define who you are. Maybe it's because I'm nonbinary and don't have the option to have been "born as the correct gender" (in quotes as this logic is flawed, but I don't want to complicate things with another tangent) but I think being trans is really neat. I think the fact that I can go beyond what society has determined my gender should be to decide who I really am is an incredible experience. In the future I hope it's just natural to decide your gender as you grow up and figure out what it is, but for now, perhaps because I have no other option, I value the difference in my trans experience.